Remember How Far You've Come

I think we've all heard healing is not linear.

There's an ebb and flow to progress.

But, what does that look like?

For me, it comes up a lot when I'm around family.

I've worked so hard to be able to talk about my abuse openly. To gather the courage to write this blog and post things on Instagram like "My sexual abuse does define me." And through this screen, in this digital world, there's a bit of safety blanket. All I have to do is write from the heart, hold my breath, and click – I'm now a brave soul proclaiming my purpose to the "world".

It's different in real life. It's even more different around family.

Yesterday, a new family member, curiously asked me, "What do you do for a living?"

Without missing a beat, I recited my short spiel, "I'm a part-time graphic designer, and I'm also writing a memoir and a blog."

Immediately, her eyes lit up with excitement.

My face drained in anticipation, sensing her next words.

"Wow, a blog? That's so cool! Can I see it?" she said.

My heart pounded in my ears. The THUD in my chest so intense, I thought it might even be visible.

I smiled, my breath steadied, "I'd be happy to give you the link."

My mind chanting, Please don't ask any more questions. Please don't ...

Later I had time to reflect.

What was that?? It was such a normal and nice thing for her to say ... don't I WANT people to see it? Wasn't that the whole goal ...

My heart saddened at my lack of willingness to talk about my abuse in that moment. At my want to hide it. I was able to talk to my partner about what happened, and it helped a lot.

It's normal for certain people and situations to trigger different things. What happened doesn't mean that I'm a coward or a fraud. I even remind myself how far I've come ... how when I was a little girl, I would have rather ended my life than tell my family.

And, I'm so proud of my progress.