Moving Through Emotional Pain

As I mentioned in an earlier post, it's been a year now since all my child sexual abuse memories surfaced.

Kind of like Covid for most, I'll now have this marker in my life – the time before I remembered and the time after. The timeline isn't so linear as I had moments in high school and my twenties that I remembered and repressed again, but June 29, 2023 was the final remembrance. One of the defining moments of my life.

And now here I sit at my desk in the living room. The Sunday afternoon light hitting me and my newly potted plants.

I'm happy. At peace.

A few years ago, I wasn't.

In 2022, I was anxious all the time, and I didn't know why. My anxiety turned to depression. I got on meds. I was so consumed in my mental anguish that I could hardly get out of bed. I had trouble eating. I was addicted to substances. I slowly reclused myself to where I didn't talk to family or friends. I luckily had a partner at the time that cared for me, but I needed help. My aimless anxiety was eating me from the inside.

My life is seemingly perfect? Why am I like this?

In October 2022, I got a therapist. Kate helped me take my life back, but the anxiety and depression didn't stop. The internal self battery continued.

Just get out of bed. What's wrong with you?

Be different. Do better!

There's no reason for you to feel bad.

But there was.

And it wasn't until June 29, 2023 – when the bad turned to the absolute worst – that I finally had an answer to my suffering.

... I was abused.

I immediately started trauma therapy with Kate.

I still had my anxiety and depression but now I had drive.

I will heal from this trauma. I will help others heal.

Kate had me write down every memory I could think of that had abuse in it. Every detail of every memory. It took about four months of meeting once a week, sometimes twice a week. I even wrote outside of therapy, I was so determined to complete it.

The abuse defines my life, but I get to choose how.

Now, in July 2024, I'm the happiest I've ever been.

I'm off my meds. I see Kate every few weeks.

My life has a larger purpose.

I still have my bad moments because life has pain, but I don't stew in that pain anymore.

I accept myself. I love myself. I move through it.