Desire is a drug to me.

Lilly Scheibelhut
Oct 27, 2024
1 min read

When I was 23, my first serious boyfriend and I broke up.

We had been dating for 4.5 years, and it was the kind of breakup that shattered my sense of self.

Who was I without him? Why did I cheat?

One of the reasons we broke up was because I kissed someone else. I was ruthlessly mean to myself about it. It was the first time since I was young that I turned to journaling for help. Why was I so cruel to this person that I said I loved?

April 15, 2016 – I wrote this:

I’m an attention whore. I constantly seek attention mostly from guys and I crave it. It’s what makes me feel better/happy but it can’t be true happiness … because it’s so superficial so idk what it is. But I like it. I guess it’s almost like a drug.

Desire is a drug to me.

My intense attraction to being desired used to make me feel crazy. Like there was some evil temptress inside me that liked hurting people. I didn't understand it then, but I do now.

When I was young, I formed a neural pathway in my brain that related sexual desire to power.

I have this pattern that says: if I'm desired, I'll be powerful and happy.

Now, when I feel an intense pull towards desire, I pause. I ask this question to my intuition and trust myself.

Is this desire serving me or hurting me?

What about the other person/people involved?

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