Loving the Darkness in Myself

I felt the effects of the full moon this week. The dogs in our neighborhood howled for a while this past Thursday. I guess they felt it too.

Everything just seemed to be bigger ... a little erratic. Emotions, relationships, events.

I cried pretty much the whole hour during therapy this week.

We talked about my trauma patterns – the things I keep doing because my body is used to them. My brain was wired a certain way when I endured sexual abuse so young.

And I've hurt people because of my trauma patterns.

Because of it, my regret, I now carry around this negative belief that I'm bad.

"I can't stop hurting the ones I 'love.' I'm a bad person."

But, what if I'm just a person?

No labels.

What if I'm just a person who sometimes acts from her trauma?

Behavior isn't changed by judging it.

We must accept all the things we do. Love all parts of ourselves.

Even our dark side.

And sending love to the darkest parts of ourselves isn't easy.

We want them gone. We want no one to see them. Feel their pain.

But as long as we exile any part of ourselves, we'll never feel whole. Fully fulfilled in life.

I love the part of myself that acts from her trauma.

I don't condone what she does.

I love her.